Suicide Samuel Episode 3
In case you missed any of the previous Episodes, check them out here:
And now…..
SUICIDE SAMUEL EPISODE 3
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The whispering willow beat insistently against the side of the house, as though to protest the house’s infringement on its personal space.
A bird of unfamiliar specie screeched in the distance, and the wind replied in a hollow howl. The bird’s screech cut off abruptly – the wind had won the shouting contest. A dog barked sporadically in the distance.
The window swung languidly in the darkness, beating a relentless tattoo against the wall. Inside, Michael Asari slept.
His face was relaxed, and a smile played at the corner of his lips as Morpheus led his spirit down the trail, as his silver cord twirled – one minute lingering over a kiss of a beautiful girl he would not remember when he awoke, the next on a vague movie from his past…
He woke up. Abruptly. One minute, he was deeply asleep, and the next he was sat upright on his bed, his heart beating a tattoo faster than his window’s.
Someone was looking at him.
He saw the face stare at him blankly through his window. The tree kept up the whomp-whomp against the house, and the dog howled.
The face kept staring at him.
Michael screamed, but his voice was lost in the wind. He shut his eyes firmly, counted to ten, and opened his eyes.
The face had disappeared. His magic had worked.
The wind kept howling, and the dog had suddenly gone silent. The world was asleep.
But Michael was not going back to bed…
“Na vigil you dey go?” Read the rest of this entry »
BANG, BANG AND BANG
I was already scared by the time my groggy brain was sufficiently awake to realize that it was just a knock on the door. That’s all it was, a very loud knock on the door.
If by the grace of God and all things holy I made it through the night with my limbs intact and virtue uncompromised to meet mom up for our weekly girls lunch tomorrow, I was certainly gonna give her a tongue lashing for the ideas she had put in my head. Talk about the power of suggestion.
All those nights when she told me stories upon stories.
“You shouldn’t move outta the house Jean, single girls ain’t safe out there anymore”
“Did you hear about the girl who was raped and killed in Soho? The news said she lived alone”
These thoughts ran through my head as I strained my ears to listen for another knock. It was about 5 minutes after 2 in the morning and mom always said that anything after 2am that ain’t a booty call was sure to be trouble. My skin was already patterned with goose bumps, mouth dry, heart pounding at a deafening rate. I could feel my impending doom.
I HATE YOU MOM!
There was another rap on the door, this time softly and I guess my flight or fight response took over, a primal surge the likes of which i have never experienced. I grabbed a saucepan in the kitchen as I slowly advanced towards the foyer. No one was gonna take my punani virtue by force, and even if he does he’s gonna pay, one way or another.
The door rattled again. Talk about a polite rapist. After taking a deep breath I wrench the door open while at the same time swinging the pan towards the guy’s face.
Blam!!!
As the paramedics wheeled him away towards the ambulance I could hear him still explaining himself through a mouthful of mangled teeth.
“I just wanted to tell her to follow me back on Twitter. I’ve been waiting all day long so I just wanted to make sure she hadn’t forgotten”
To be honest, I think the dude looks familiar, Err… He says he lives in the building.
It’s really hard being a Twitter celeb.
OPINION
“Everyone thinks they have the prettiest wife at home.” If you were born 8 years ago, Arsene Wenger would be your ideal comedic manager of a football club. But in 2002, he handed Sir Alex Ferguson’s (of all people) purple ass back to him with that badass quote. It was in respo…ol’ the horses! I apologise if football makes you want to tear your hair out (unless you’re bald), I just thought that quote was awesome enough for an opening. Now we can get back to business. Ain’t got all day…or night. Or whenever it is you’re doing this.
I don’t know what the folks on WC (that’s short for Wahala Central if you’re a newbie here) were high on (probably squid sperm) when they came up with “Opinion’s an asshole, but everybody’s entitled to one.” They probably stole that quote but that’s not my cup of H2O. What matters is it exists for me steal as well. A stealing cycle you might call it. Your opinion about it does not count. Opinion. Yes that’s what I’ve been trying to get at.
I find two admirable qualities in humans: their ability to screw each other with reckless abandon and their sense of entitlement to an opinion. What’s not to gawk at or admire? Give the person next to you a chest pat for being human.
I am a moralist. I live by a moral code. I am a moralist. I realize I repeated that, thank you. How else are you supposed to listen? That’s a rhetorical question, don’t answer it. I am a moralist. That’s the word people like me use to euphemise the fact that we are idle busy bodies (that’s a paradox right?). We think our sense of morality has been set in stone before man discovered ink and paper. Any other set of people (whom I’ll uncreatively call ‘immoralists’) who don’t live by our code have a special place in hell searching for the devil’s ego. That’s our opinion of the heathens. Opinion…very fluid shit.
Whenever someone tells me (some of y’all call it ‘compliment’) I’m awesome, I high-5 them and do back flips. When someone else approaches me and says “Hey you suck man”, I think about two things:
1. I think, “But hey someone just said something different”
2. I probably would say, “Okay boss, whatever you say.” Or think of any snarky conceding reply that’ll make him so giddy with laughter he’ll end up in a ditch.
3. I yell, “Fuck you very much for having a different opinion” with my best Eminem impression.
If you went back to check the fact that I said two and listed three, it just confirms my opinion about you being a jerk that nit picks, but that’s totally my opinion. You’re probably a stand-up guy in real life (yes…internet ain’t real life). What my little made up scenario was meant to ram into your consciousness is the fact that opinions are what they are, opinions. They’re not facts, Just opinions. Who should I believe? The awesome compliment or ‘the other’? The awesome one of course! But again that’s my opinion!
If reading incoherent blog posts is what you use to pass time and you’ve read this thus far, thumbs middle (you’re not at the end yet genius!). What I’m saying is I think I’m a good guy, you think I’m not. Life goes on. My literature teacher in high school thought I possess the stuff of legends because I could make bullshit look cool. My maths teacher however had contrary views because, you know, he’s jealous I see dancing numbers. Two different opinions. But I’m still right here, stealing your time when all you wanna do is watch Miley’s twerk video for the 66th time. Not that I’m judging. Nothing like that.
INTERMISSION: News reaching the WahalaCentral emergency hotline says that a suicidal teenager is about to jump to his death from the window of his parents’ bungalow because a girl he asked out to his friend’s dog’s birthday party called him a freak. Hey asshole! Don’t die…yet. That’s just her opinion. Even if I sorta agree with her. I mean, come on…you are about to ‘jump’ to your death from a 2ft high window. I think the world needs more freaks like you. Get down silly.
Endings are supposed to be super kick-ass cool with you nodding in gleeful fulfillment for reading to the end. Sorry to disappoint you (cheers to more of that), all I gotta say is you’ll be seeing me here for the next few weeks of your existence dishing ’em. Yeah, opinions. They are mine and mine alone. I should state that I won’t try to hurt anyone’s soft sensibilities, that shit is too easy. I’ll rather be shitting on them and raising pretend-champagne bottles in the air.
We here at WC (still not sure why they got an initial that rhymes with Water Closet) will be blowing shit up. Literally. In yer face. Suckers. Don’t make a fuss my nigga. It’s only our opinion.
Suicide Samuel Episode 2
The white van pulled out in a dust-and-rubber affair, as though the driver was glad to see the back of him. Not that he had mixed feelings about seeing them go either – eleven years with them had been more than enough ‘get-together’ time.
Still, he felt uneasy seeing them go. Even though they had showed him that he had been cured, even though they had allowed him roam free in the last six months before his release, he was still afraid that something would happen and he would be plunged back into the mess they had spent 11 years digging him out of. Read the rest of this entry »
Suicide Samuel Episode 1
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Wahala Central, in conjunction with 21st Century Fox (no, seriously) presents “Suicide Samuel” featuring action, romance, scifi, passion, suspense and Tonto Dikeh showing boobs.
It starts today, August 26th, 2013. Every fortnight (dahz every two two weeks). Tell a friend to tell a friend who shall forthwith inform another friend who shall notify said companion that Suicide Samuel is going down live on Wahala Central!!!!
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SUICIDE SAMUEL, EP. 1
I am embarrassed. No, ashamed. First day of school and my father had to do this to me.
I was in the middle of the two men, facing the rest of the school. The man on the right, my father, stared straight into the crowd of students on assembly, as though daring them to break a school rule while he watched. The principal on my left was shrieking in spite of the fact that he was holding a microphone: Read the rest of this entry »
Hello World
(Warning: The following conversation actually occurred and the characters represented herein are (unfortunately) actual people. Two of them are virgins, one is bespectacled, and two are very good at arm-wrestling as a result of years of, ah, practice. May also contain NSFW language. Viewer discretion is advised.)
Location: WahalaCentral Headquarters
Agenda: Debriefing on WahalaCentral Activities
PAETIR: How do we go about this chat, gentlemen?
VOLTURI_LORD: Ko le re bodi folks
VUNDERKIND: On the count of three, maybe?
PAETIR: When I type ‘start’, we start, capish?
VUNDERKIND: No need for all that, I think. You guys can make as much noise as you like. This chat should be edited before being published. Cos VOLTURI_LORD will leak his nudes midway anyway
PAETIR: Lol
PAETIR: Fooooooool
VOLTURI_LORD: May Sango stick his staff up your ass Read the rest of this entry »
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