Batman
SUPERHERO DIARIES
Hi. My name is Jimoh Bolorunduro, and I do not play with my job.
I am a policeman, and a Superhero.
People call me a bloody policeman, but I don’t mind. That’s one of my super powers – not having a mind of my own.
The other day I was standing in my black costume.
On the path of Infinity.
Then I heard a scream.
“AAAARRRRHHHHH!!!!”
I knew I had to do something, so I spun around swiftly and asked, “Is there a problem sir?”
“Please, leave the road!” the driver screamed.
“Oh,” I replied, as I got out of the path of Infinity.
And that was how I forgot to collect my N20 from the Nissan Infiniti driver.
I usually engage in philosophical discussions with people from time to time. Just the other day, I was discussing the state of the economy with a random stranger.
“What do you think about the level of corruption these days?”
“Terrible. Really terrible,” I replied as I pocketed his N500.
My major challenges, however have been with the criminals. They ruin business for us. I am naturally a peace-loving, law-indifferent citizen of the country, but sometimes I have to react. The other day, I saw a Hummer jeep pulling up at my checkpoint, and I was already happy – no one can own a Hummer and pretend to be broke.
As the car pulled up to my side, I smiled warmly at the family inside. They were all bald.
“Good day sir. I will like to take some of your money for questioning at our station,” I said as I gave them my most oily smile.
The man at the wheel was incredulous. “Are you trying to be funny??!”
“Well, I guess I can manage hilarious money too,” I said a little bit sadly. E be like say this guy no wan pay pass N100.
“We were robbed a few minutes ago,” the man announced coldly. I failed to see how that concerned me, but simply because I am a good person by nature, I did my best to act surprised and look concerned.
“Oh my God, you were robbed? Have you contacted the police?”
“YOU ARE THE POLICE!!!”
“Oh. Yes. Right. I forgot. Well, what did they take from you?”
“The armed robber took our money! And he shaved our heads!”
“You are sure he took all your money?”
“Yes. He took my wife’s jewelry and my mother’s gold false teeth.” An old woman gave me a gummy smile at the backseat.
“So…what you are saying is that you were robbed, and this guy took your money?”
“Yes.”
“All of it?”
“Yes.”
“He didn’t even leave anything at all? No matter how small – “
“Nope.”
“Not even N200?”
“Nope.”
I broke down and wept. How can this life be so cruel? Hummer jeeps pass like once every week in this checkpoint and this one has no money. God why?
“Well?,” the heartless driver of the Hummer jeep asked. “Are you not going to do anything?”
That armed robber took my money. My money! It’s because of him this family cannot give me my roger.
I wanted to hurt the robber so bad. I wanted to knee him in the preek until his eggs burst, fry the eggs and force him to eat it with bread.
I wanted to Revenge.
Fuck it. I felt like Batman – without the handsomeness. Or the money.
The family pointed me in the way the robber went (it turns out they were robbed about five minutes down the road) and I stumbled into the bush, highly provoked in my spirit.
I walked down into the bush for a while and found nothing. I would have kept on searching, but I heard something like a lion’s roar in the distance and I suddenly found a place in my heart to forgive the robber. Maybe his family is sick and he needs the money to treat them. Maybe his mother has cancer. I should just let the poor guy go in peace…
Then it hit me.
No, seriously. A coconut hit me, and I looked up to see a masked guy halfway up the tree with a knife in his teeth and a gun in his pocket.
“Well done, bros,” I greeted politely. “You see any person wey resembu armed robber run pass this side?”
The guy jumped down from the tree and walked up to me.
“How far?” he greeted me and we shook hands. Such a nice guy.
“Well done oh. Sorry for disturbing. I am just looking for one armed robber that robbed one hummer jeep na-na-na.”
“Na me be the thief.”
“Oh,” I really didn’t know what to say. He looked so nice. I couldn’t believe it. “You mean am, abi you dey use me play?”
“Na me na,” he said, and pointed to the top of the tree, where I saw a purse with money poking out of it.
“Ehen.” I really didn’t know what to say. “Ehen.”
“Yes. Ehen.”
“Ehen?”
“Ehen.”
“E be like say I gatz arrest you now.”
“Ehen?”
“Ehn.”
“Ok.”
“But why you shave their head na?”
“Because,” and he stared deeply into my soul. “Because I am a Smooth Criminal.”
I started laughing and he started laughing and we were hugging each other and crying then he broke one coconut on my head and I passed out.
I came to twenty minutes later to find that the guy had gone – and so had the purse of money.
But I don’t feel bad sha. It was not all a loss.
At least I got a new haircut.
**
By Vunderkind.
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