SOS!

Posted on September 26, 2013 Updated on September 26, 2013

“Please! That’s all the money I have, don’t hurt my family”, the voice of Okon, your neighbour interrupts your sweet dreams, one of magnificent castles and trendy wheels. You grumble, wondering if he’s been drinking cheap gin again – that irresponsible juicehead aarrgghh! “You should probably check my wife’s box of jewelry under the kitchen sink”, Okon helplessly suggests. “That can’t be another drunken drivel”, your sluggish brain cells finally kick start. Oh wait…it’s a robbery! Just like Nollywood movies with real guns (supposedly) and all.

Your family is already gathered in the living room and your 9-year-old has found another excuse to wet himself. Something has to be done! Your family waits on you with agitated breathing. Call the Men in Black! Exactly! It’s their job after all (to clean shit up). This is the stuff of legends your momma always believed you’ll get to do. How hard can making a phone call to the force be? How hard?

You snatch at your phone and start dialing…errm…ol’ up, that was your pastor’s number you were dialing. Police Oh! You want to call the police. ol’ up…so what’s the police hotline again? Doesn’t really surprise you that you don’t know it. Does it even exist? How old are you again? 37? Pffttt…this is unacceptable! Okon makes another whimpering cry as you try to pull a Merlin and conjure digits from mere candle wax. “Call 911”, your kid whispers. “No DSTV for one week!” you scowl back at her. Damn Hollywood!

So there you are! Useless to Okon and family because you can’t conjure a magical combination of digits that should alert the cavalry that might not even show . You must be so proud of yourself! No? You should be. Seriously. You ask why? Because you sir, are not alone.

Truth is a good percentage of Nigerians don’t know the digits to dial (don’t even ask google). Okay…so…how many crimes have you witnessed? Not many? But there was one, right? Why didn’t you make that phone call? No airtime? Crappy network? No? Why then? Of course you don’t know what to dial, that’s why!

Just so I don’t appear like a dickbag pulling rainbow out his skinny ass (I still might), I used google people. No, it’s not 234…pipe down. I got a combination of 11 digits (yes…the usual) for separate divisions in separate towns in separate…blah blah blah. I mean, come on! Who wants to start thinking of 11 digits when gun shots are making akin dives around your medulla. I know I don’t.

This brings me to the question: Why? Why is there no standard nationwide-verified police hotline? Why should you be the hero  when there are people trained for that shit? Why shouldn’t you be able to help your neighbour with a phone call? Or say call the police cos some random snake is out there feeling gangster swallowing your poultry’s eggs? Ask a few other “why’s” yourself. See?

Nigeria is still developing you say? That’s a 53 (well over a hundred if you include Luggard)-year-old excuse. As old as the internet…I think? Corruption? I don’t know about that. Overthinking stuff is not my strong suit (neither is overtalking…nor overwriting), so I’m just gonna pin the situation on negligence. Yup. Sue me. I’m lazy. If only ‘you-know-who’ would get over his shoeless past and make decisions on real issues, life would be a tad easier for us normal folks.

There’s a bigger chance of me popping Viju bottles in an airplane this time tomorrow than the decision-makers reading this. But if your uncle happens to be one, just tell him to holler me on twirra, I got a few suggestions for what we want (yes, WE). 419 doesn’t sound so bad. It’s like our cultural identity. And as a bonus, it sounds way cooler than 911.

So you just spent 15 precious minutes of your life (3 minutes if just skimmed through the page) reading something you already know all about. Sorry oh awon eyin Einstein. That’s what boredom does to you. You can go back to your pet rabbit now…or whatever it is you do in your free time. You think I wasted your time? Call 419! HAHAHAHAHA Gotcha.

 **

BY SAMMOYD. (All images courtesy of google)

Follow us on twitter @wahalacentral